So Many Questions
I'm still trying to get used to the idea of being on my own. I'm not exactly alone right now coz I have my husband and kids with me but that's pretty much it. We're migrants and I still don't have a support system which really sucks. I think I'm trying hard a bit sometimes to try making friends with colleagues, or with the friends of friends, or even folks that my relatives would refer to me. Does it hurt to do that? I'm still cautious of course as these are complete strangers but hey, who knows if I might actually meet some great people.
I'm stuck. I'm often demoralized at work but I need to be practical in putting my family first and myself last coz there really is no other choice. I don't want to put everything at risk just because of me. I still want to give the best that I can to my kids so they grow up happy and be better than me.
So what if I switch my career. Do I need to consider timing? How long do I need to wait and how would I know if it is the right opportunity for me. Yes, I will scour through the online world again and figure out if I can actually find something that i like. I need to get my confidence back. I'm not growing here and it feels like they're just sucking the life out of me.
Just what exactly is that Kiwi lifestyle? The perks, an 8-5 job, and parks/ beaches on the weekend. My work is still crazy but the people do not work themselves to death. It is family oriented here and I like that the most. Do I need to care about climbing the corporate ladder? I never really made efforts on that. It usually just happens.
Won't it be nice to be able to chat with someone who can advise you about career moves and just about anything else about life. Someone's who's been in my shoes. Someone like my Mom I guess. Can't wait to have her here soon.
Remembering Dad
Good morning my beautiful daw-ter! Yan ang malambing na biro ni Dad sa amin kapag tanghali na kami gumising or kapag nakatulog ako na may sumpong. Siempre kapag kay Jun, ang nag-iisang naming kapatid na lalaki, "my most handsome son" naman ang bati.
Palabiro at malambing talaga si Dad. Kinukweto niya na mabait daw siya na bata, pero dahil sa pilyo niyang kambal na si Tito Iyong, madalas daw siyang napapaaway. Sabi ni Dad, malakas daw ang loob ni Tito Iyong na makipaghamunan ng boxing, pero si Daddy ang pinapaharap niya. Kaya siguro hanggang sa pagtanda, boxing ang naging favorite sport ni Dad. Hindi ko maalala kung laban ni Muhammad Ali o ni Joe Frazier o ni Mike Tyson yun, pero, nag leave pa raw sa trabaho si Dad sabi ni Mommy, para lang makapanood ng laban sa TV. Nung magsisimula na yung round, nag CR lang siya sandali at pagbalik niya sa upuan, tapos na ang
laban! Malay ba ng lahat na ma-knockout agad yung kalaban sa first round pa lang. At kami naman ni Jun, habang naglilipat kami ng channel para maghanap ng cartoons, kinakabahan kami na huwag sanang may kasabay na boxing na palabas kasi kapag nakita yun ni Dad, wala na ang cartoons namin. Kahit pa mga re-run ito ng mga boxing matches, excited pa rin niyang pinapanood ito kahit alam na niya ang resulta. Ganun siya ka-fan ng boxing!
Naging classmate ko siya nung Prep sa Angelicum School. Early 80s yun at Ms. Tabuno ang pangalan nung teacher. Swerte ako kasi hinahatid pa ako di Dad sa school bago siya pumasok sa opisina. Madalas daw kasi akong lumilingon sa bintana at kapag hindi ko na makita si Daddy, tumatayo na rin ako para lumabas at sundan siya. Kaya sinabihan siya ni Ms. Tabuno na maupo na lang muna sa loob ng classroom para sa akin. Ilang araw rin niya ginawa yun until I finally settled in. So imagine a grown man, na nakabihis pang opisina, katabi ang mga bata at nakaupo sa maliit na upuan. I remember the teacher but I really don't remember it happening. Kahit na hindi ako naniniwalang nangyari ito, kinalaunan ay nalilibang na rin ako sa tuwing kinukwento ito ni Dad sa ibang tao. Isa ito sa mga ma-mi-miss ko. Dito ko rin na-realize kung gano ka-tiyaga si Dad bilang ama. I now know the feeling and worry as a parent when you see your child struggle to adjust in school.
Speaking of school, kulang raw ang napag-aralan ni Dad, according to him. Nabanggit niya yun when I asked him why he's always reading a book. Tuwing gabi kasi, mula pa nung maliliit kami hanggang sa kanyang pagtanda, andun siya sa study table, nagbabasa. Malaki ang naging impluwensiya ng pagbabasa sa amin. Maganda ang naging dulot nito sa eskwela at sa trabaho. Bilang isang magaling na halimbawa, gusto ko ring maibahagi ito sa aking mga anak, ang magagandang gawi ni Lolo Pogi.
Never kong na-imagine that Dad will get this weak, dahil sa sakit. Coz I remember Dad being always physically fit. Biruin niyo, nung maliliit pa kami, mahilig akong magtulog-tulugan sa sofa at inaabangan ko na bubuhatin ako ni Dad paakyat sa kwarto. Ang sarap kaya ng feeling na binubuhat ako ni Daddy. Ganun siya kalakas. Mahilig din siyang mag exercise tuwing umaga at nag ka-karate din siya. When he retired, farming naman ang ginugulan niya ng lakas.
Isa sa mga traits ni Dad na naalala ko ay ang pagiging accomplished niya sa maraming bagay. Simula pa nung bata siya, he'll find ways to help earn money. Nagbebenta siya ng ice cream sa sinehan at naglilimpya rin siya ng sapatos o nag-shu-shoe shine. Lahat daw ng kita niya ay inaabot niya kay Lola Siyang. Dahil marami siyang nakamit, hindi ko na mabilang sa dami ng trophy ni Dad na pinapakintab ko every weekend. At hindi ko rin makakalimutan ang amoy ng Glo metal polish. Wala yata siyang trophy sa pagkanta, pero winner siya sa akin. Dad loves to sing mga Matt Monroe type of songs especially in social gatherings. Happy ako whenever he'd ask me to sing for him. And I love him more when he sings Portrait of My Love to Mom.
While growing up, nakita ko how he's helped and supported family and friends. Kaya hindi namin maiwasang magtanong "Mayaman po ba tayo?". Madalas niyang sabihin na mayaman raw kami, mayaman sa anak at sa pagmamahal.
Dad is malambing, mapag-biro, maabilidad, mapagmahal, responsable at maka-Diyos. As his daughter, I'm very lucky to have had him as a father. I miss him terribly. I know that he's in a much better place now. My 2 year old daughter is probably helping me accept what just happened. Last Sunday, she was standing by the bedroom window, looking beyond the fence, while waiving her hands saying,"Goodbye Lolo, goodbye!
